This post should be on a blogspot.
But I have no time nor interest to create one. So I’ll write here.
reading re-reading your Tumblr and blogspot posts lately and I realized I miss you. You have no idea how one post gives me a clue on what has been going on in your life. I feel as if everytime you post something, it’s as if you’re sharing it personally to me the moment it you decided to post it. And I like that about the way you write.
But these past few months, you’ve been busier with other things… and posted random stuff less. And so I feel so left out in your life. I don’t have the courage to ask you anything personally anymore.
I know, by doing this I’m slowly killing any connection we have. But like an imbecile that I am, I have no idea on how to handle these kinds of things in this kind of set-up. And so I end up not trying.. like the 100,00 times that I didn’t.
I wish however busy you are, you could find time to post (or repost) anything. I miss you but right now, but all I could afford is to watch from a distance.
Its when I look into the lens
Basta. Bigla na lang na gusto kong magkaroon ng cactus. I don’t care kung malas ka. O marami kang tinik. O pangit ka. I want you and I don’t care about anything else that much
that I could focus on you. And ignore the little pangs I’m feeling whenever I hear her name. That I could capture little moments with you and say that it was ours. Yours and mine. Because soon there won’t be any.
You said you never wanted any of it.
Or pretended to.
Because I saw that look—as you browse through all the memories I desperately wanted to hold on to—and I saw that smile. And I wished I could capture that too. Only you were holding the camera and I could do nothing else but etch that image into my rapidly fading memory.
You keep pointing which ones you wanted best. But I am selfish, like you are. And I am not sure if I would be willing to let you see what the camera has hidden for so long. Because when you do, I’m sure things would never be the same for the both of us. And, however painful, I wanted to be things like what they are now— safe, secure.
When I looked back on all this, I wish there would be no regrets. No regrets that I let you take lashes on my heart. No regrets that while I was holding the camera, focusing on you, I forgot to focus on my slowly disintegrating self. And, in the process, I fail to take in the background where there was someone whose lens were focused on me capturing you.
jessfuentits asked: Thank you for following me :)
my pleasure ^__^